Courage
by Freakkofnaturee
Summary: Kurt is depressed, suicidal, and has lost all hope. But before he can take action, he transfers to Dalton Academy, where he meets Blaine, and from there everything changes.
1. Prolouge

I trudge down the hallways, slowly, panicky. Everywhere around me I look for him. The constant torment of my day, he who fills me with pain and weakness. I try to let it not get to me, but with times like now, and with times as troubling as they are, it's hard to stay strong. He's broken me beyond limits, and I don't think I'll ever feel whole again.

I keep my arms crossed at my chest, pulling at the sleeves of my Express sweater. A sign of insecurity, of being scared. Perhaps, but there is another reason I hide behind things so well now.

I manage to slide my way through the halls and out the main foyer. I quickly walk to the bench under the big tree in front of McKinley. I sit and let out a sigh of relief. For a few more minutes of the day, I was safe. Safe from Karofsky, safe from the bullying, and safe from being scared for the rest of the lunch period.

I put my head back, and let the breeze blow across my face. It feels so nice, so comforting. It reminds me of feeling as if someone actually cared about me.

But I knew that they didn't. Sure, there were the glee club kids. I knew they loved me and would do anything to protect me, but it wasn't enough. Being tormented daily, threatened and pushed around just for being gay, it's like being in hell, with no escape anywhere I look.

I looked around the area, making sure no one was close by. I tugged at the ends of my sleeves, slowly pushing them away from my hands and up to my elbows. I laid my arms out in front of me, letting reality sink it, letting what was written on my arms remind me of the reason I was doing all this, why I was planning everything perfectly. So that I would have no other option. Once it was done, it would be done.

Everyone has their secrets. And mine is; I cut myself, an attempt to heal the pain that I am caused partly for knowing Karofsky's secret, and the rest for simply being me. The other part of my secret; I have my suicide planned out, and no one or nothing will get in my way until it is too late for anything to be done.


	2. Chapter 1

I walked along the sidewalk, against the cold wind that brushed past my face. It made my scarf sway back and my hair lift ever so slightly. Who knew where I was going. I didn't care though. I didn't care about much anymore. Thinking back to the last few months, hell, even just the last few weeks, I've gone through more torment and pain than any person my age should have to deal with. Especially from my peers, my classmates. No one should have to put up with this.

I've been through it all. For a smaller town, you think people would be more caring, but no. They're close-minded and couldn't give a damn about you and the life you choose to live. I've been slammed into lockers, pushed around in the locker room from one person to another in a tight circle, tripped down stairs. I've had notes left at my locker with death threats and hate letters. I've had my car windows painted with words like 'lady', 'fag', 'homo', 'queen', and such. Anything and everything has been done to me. And somehow, no one ever seemed to notice, or were simply too scared to report it. But I guess I can't blame them, I'm too afraid to speak up myself. I've spent the last few months hiding in the shadows, admitting nothing to anyone. If a Glee kid asked how I was, the answer was always 'fine' in the bubbliest voice I could manage. When my dad asked how school was going, the answer was always 'good'. I wasn't much for conversation anymore. I wasn't much good for anything.

Things were going to change though. Big things. Not through rebellion or fighting back though. I was going to do something big, but not something good. I know it's not good, nor the right path, but I feel as if I have no other option. My life is nothing, just a leaf, flying through the sky with no place to go or call home. Scared of falling and being stepped on, broken, and left in pieces, only to have the wind pick those up as well and carry them off to another unknown, uncaring place.

The truth is I knew exactly where I was going. Nobody else knew of it of course, I don't even quite remember how I managed to stumble upon it. But it was my savior, the place that would bring me to bliss. That would rid me from this hell-hole of a world and take me to new places. Now who knows where I'll go when I leave this place. From what little I know of the so-called God, he isn't very welcoming of gays. I don't believe in the prospects of Heaven and Hell beyond this place though, so it doesn't really matter. I'll just go to a lovely place that is dreamlike and certainly better than the place I'm living in now.

It truly isn't all bad. There are moments of brightness. When we get to sing a great, uplifting song in Glee Club, or when my dad and I go and hang out and enjoy one another's company. Those few moments were what kept me holding on. But even those are disappearing, vanishing, becoming fewer and fewer and will soon be completely gone. That time is soon, and that is when I'll be gone as well. Who cares if I'm here or not? No one shows it, no one notices the things going on. Not my friends, not my dad, no one. And if they can't be concerned enough, then I won't concern myself with the problems of this world either.

I looked up ahead and for a moment, I felt myself smile. It was small, and only slight, but that hint of happiness was on my face. I had reached my destination, the place I sought after. It would provide me with what I needed, what would help in being the final step to my plan.

I turned the corner into a damp alleyway. Even in the brightness of the day, it was shaded and dark, and just a bit cooler than the walk on the sidewalk had been. I looked down to see the man I needed. To most he would look shady, the kind of guy you wouldn't want to get involved with. He was wearing a lot of black, to blend in to the area so if someone who didn't know better was to walk by, he could go unseen pretty easily. He wore a ball cap, Columbia jacket, some jeans, and a pair of black converse. Aside from the strangeness of him leaning against a wall in a deserted alleyway, he seemed somewhat normal. He turned his head when he saw me coming and I saw him adjust his position a little. My assumption is he wasn't expecting someone like me to walk down, and to walk directly towards him.

"Are you Jim?" I asked. I knew it was him, just wanted to let him know I was here for business.

"Depends, what are you here for?" He looked me up and down, taking me in and sizing me up should a fight or events of that sort ensue.

"Word is you have possession of things that could, help calm me, if you get what I'm saying."

He nodded. "I should. Do you have something in exchange?"

I held out a wad of bills, held together by a rubber band. "I think this should suffice."

He took the money, checking up and down the alleyway. This guy was good, careful. I definitely came to the right person. I especially knew this once he handed me the orange bottle I had sought after for so long now.

"Don't go too crazy with those kid, I don't need anything being traced back to me."

"No worries, I got things all planned out."

He gave me a strange look, like that wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear. But he shrugged it off and walked the opposite direction that I came. After placing the bottle in the inside pocket of my jacket, I retraced my steps and headed back out into the light. It was like seeing it for the first time. I now had my hands on the key to the end. And the end would be so empty.


	3. Chapter 2

I sat across from my dad as we both ate dinner together in silence. I glanced across the table, momentarily watching my dad as he ate. He looked so humble, so calm. Everything I didn't feel and hadn't felt for quite a while. Such simple emotions, yet so complicated to obtain. He looked up, noticing my watching him. He stared back at me.

"What's up, Kurt?" he asked, confused by my intense looking at him. I hadn't seen him much lately, but that wasn't the reason I was staring at him so much. I wanted to make sure I took in every detail of him, that way I'd always remember his face and could conjure it up in times of trouble.

"Oh, nothing," I responded, shaking my head slightly.

He set down his fork and kept his gaze locked on me. "You sure, Kurt? Lately you've just seemed…so unlike yourself, like a different person. You've been pretty distant."

I shrugged. "I'm sure dad. Nothing much is going on at school. It's just been pretty boring lately."

"Ok, if you say so. If something were wrong, though, you'd tell me, right?"

"Mhm, of course dad." I managed a weak smile. This satisfied him and he went back to eating his dinner.

I know I shouldn't lie to my father, that I should just tell him the truth, but I can't. He just couldn't handle hearing about all of the horrible things that are happening to me. He wouldn't be able to help. Going to school administration would do no good. It would be my word against those torturing me, and they would win. They win every other battle, this one wouldn't be any different from the rest.

Anyway, I have my plan. I had a grasp on this situation and I have my plan. There was no turning back from it at this point.

Once I had finished eating my meal, I excused myself from the table and made my way to my room. After closing my door, I plopped down onto my bed and closed my eyes. This was my only place to escape. I was alone, and no one could hurt me now. In school, out on the streets, anyone could see me and hurt me, but not here. My home and my room especially, were my safe havens, the only places I could be myself and feel completely relaxed. Well, almost.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position and opened the top drawer of my nightstand. I dug around in the very back corner of it and pulled out the orange bottle, which was full of opaque white capsules.

As I held the bottle in my hand, I stared intently at it. Thoughts of doubt and uneasiness crept into my mind. Was this right? Was this the only way? Is this really what I wanted?

Of course it was. I shook my head, as if shaking out the thoughts. I couldn't let things like this distract me from the ultimate escape. I wasn't going to listen to that voice in the back of my head. It only filled my head with lies and uncertainty.

Besides, all I've done is gone to Hell and back each day by going to school, it needed to be done. I couldn't leave the school itself, so I would leave not just it but everyone else who would torment me in this damned town.

I got up and walked over to my desk, taking a seat in the chair hanging out from it. I set the bottle down next to my laptop as I opened it up and turned it on. Once awake, I went onto Facebook, only to find another two messages from random kids at my school.

The first was from some popular jock who would often throw his milk cartons at me at lunch. _Get out of here Fag, nobody wants you, nobody cares. Why do you even bother? _Well, he wasn't far off there.

The other was from a hockey head who I had taken a beating from a few times in the locker room. _Nobody likes you, and nobody ever will, all because you're queer._

I sighed. I was use to this, these comments barely phased me anymore. Once you got used to something, it didn't hurt quite as much. Quite, but there was always that cut that was made deep within me.

I deleted the messages and left the site. I went back to the homepage of my computer and a stream of articles came up, each depicting the daily, constantly changing news. I clicked on one, titled _Best Schools in the Country._

I scrolled through, jealous of all the great schools that I could've gone to instead of the hell hole that I attend. If only I could've started my life somewhere else and had opportunities like these, maybe I wouldn't be resorting to such drastic things.

One school caught my eye. _Dalton Academy; a private, all-boys boarding school located in Westerville, Ohio. _This was actually not too far from Lima, and sounded like a much better place to go than McKinley. I clicked on the link that led to the website and browsed around. There were so many great things about this school.

_Schedule a visit today! _This link caught my eye. I clicked on it and saw that all you had to do was sign up with your name and a time. No parents, no other information, nothing. I could do this without anyone knowing.

Perfect. I signed up and wrote down the information on a sticky note.

Sure, there wasn't much of a purpose for this visit considering what I was planning, but it couldn't hurt just to see what I was missing out on.

I turned off my laptop and closed it. I felt content for once, almost happy. But as I turned to look at the orange bottle sitting on my desk, those feelings disappeared as it stared back, cold and heartless.


	4. Chapter 3

I took my time as I walked down the hallways. Each of my steps echoed off of the walls, reminding me of where I was. This school is amazing, nothing like the hell hole I go to. It looked nothing like a normal high school either. Each room was painted and decorated to match perfectly, and there existed a sort of elegance in each one. It was like being in a castle. It being a private school, all of this made more sense, but it was still incredible to see a school that looked this nice. I could hardly believe it, I was in complete awe.

I made my way through hallway after hallway, seeing a variety of classrooms, the gym, the café, the food court, the pool, the patio, this school truly had everything you could imagine. After seeing every inch of the school, I made my way back to the main foyer and took a seat in one of the oversized leather chairs. As I settled down into it, I took out the various booklets and pamphlets that I was given upon arriving. The first was an overview of the school, with a map and a short explanation of the rooms, areas, and class courses that were offered. The next was a detailed pamphlet of the policies and rules of the school. I only skimmed over this, but one rule at the top of a page caught my eye.

_Zero Tolerance Harassment Policy. _From there it went on to list the details of the policy and the punishments of those who violated it.

_If only my school implemented something like this, _I thought to myself. If we had a policy like this, I wouldn't be in the place that I am now, on a downward spiral to nowhere.

I picked up the last booklet and flipped through its pages, glancing through the list of the various sports, clubs, and activities that this school has to offer. I came to the last page which had a whole page displaying the schools show choir, _The Warblers_.

They looked impressive with their matching uniforms and the list of awards that they had won within the last few years. They seemed like they were cared about and liked at the school, certainly far from what being a part of Glee Club is like at my school.

I looked up and I saw a mass of students hurrying down the hall. It looked like they were going someplace, somewhere important, all together. I got up from my cozy seat and followed alongside them, feeling like an outsider, but wanting to know what was going on. When the mob and I reached our destination, we walked into the huge auditorium of the school. Rows and rows of seats with plush cushions lined the aisles that led to a stage fit for a Broadway production. It was one of the most amazing things I had seen on my entire tour of the school. I took a seat in the back, wanting to stay under the radar of anyone. It wasn't like I was spying or watching them, but they were our competition for an upcoming performance. Maybe getting an edge on them and seeing what they were like wouldn't be such a bad thing, since I was here anyway.

As everyone settled into their seats, the lights went dim and a group of boys took the stage, each sporting the school uniform, each one looking perfect. They went for the risers that sat in the middle of the stage and they took their places. A spotlight hit the middle of the group, shining down on one individual. As the music from the band behind them began to play, the boy turned around and started singing some popular song that I had heard on the radio before. The song didn't matter to me right now though. This boy was amazing. Not just how he looked, which was extremely sexy, but his voice pierced me, from the moment the notes started to flow out of his mouth and into my ears. I vaguely noticed the rest of the group, who sang backup behind him and did simple dances in unison. My eyes were all on him. I knew that I had to meet him, somehow.

After another two songs, the group was finished, and I quickly left my seat and headed for the exit. I wanted to get out before anyone noticed me and my non-Dalton outfit and shun me for watching the performance. I hurried around through the halls, but it hit me that in my haste I had forgotten which way I came. I peeked down corners, unsure of which way to turn. Each hallway looked so similar to the other I couldn't tell which one was the right one. I turned around sharply and ran face first right into someone. I almost fell but managed to catch myself with my arm outstretched to the wall. The boy only stumbled a little before helping me regain my full balance.

"Sorry 'bout that," I mumbled out, feeling like a complete idiot.

"Don't mention it."

The second the boy started talking, I swear my heart stopped beating. It was the same heavenly voice that I had just heard singing in the auditorium. I couldn't speak, it felt like my throat had been closed off. I had no clue what to say to the gorgeous human being in front of me. After attempting to regain my cool, I stumbled a string of words out. "H-how do you get to the main foyer?"

"Right this way," he responded. He turned and gave me a small hand gesture, meaning for me to follow him. I did, stepping forward and walking right next to him as he led me around the school.

"So are you here today for a tour?"

I nodded. "Yea." I didn't trust myself to say anything too complex at the moment.

"What do you think of the school?"

"It seems pretty great." Finally I managed to say something not quite so stupid sounding.

"You should definitely consider coming here. It is a great school, lots to do, lots of class choices, you won't regret it."

"Thanks, but I'm not totally sure." I sighed. The main foyer was in sight, and my time with this boy would be over soon.

Once we reached the main foyer, he grabbed a pad of paper that sat at on the side tables and a pen from his pocket. After scribbling something onto the paper, he replaced his pen where he had gotten it from and handed the paper to me. "Well, if you have any questions or want to know more about the school, give me a call and I'd be glad to help you out."

"A-alright," I said. I took the paper from him and with a smile, he was off, walking away from me in the opposite direction. I looked down at the paper. He may be gone, but I now knew his name and had his phone number. _Blaine._


	5. Chapter 4

I laid on my bed in my room, holding the paper that Blaine had given me in my hands. I held it up, reading it over and over. My eyes scanned the paper until I had memorized every character and detail. It was short, just his name and his cell phone number, but I cherished it. It was the first act of kindness that I had been given in quite a while. I wasn't going to waste this moment.

I sat up and grabbed my cell phone from my bedside table. I wasn't sure why but I felt nervous all of a sudden. I hardly knew this guy and yet I was just going to call him anyway. Why am I even bothering? Did this guy really even care to help me or is he just trying to seem friendly?

I knew the answer to that. This guy was the real deal. He wasn't just some stuck-up private school student. Most of them would've paid no attention to me as I wandered around, but this guy had helped me and offered me help beyond just that at the school. There was no way I could pass up getting to see him again. I wouldn't be going to Dalton, but when I looked at his number, I felt a little bit of hope form in my heart. It brought me out of my depression long enough to see that there was some good in this world still.

I dialed his number and put the phone up to my ear, taking deep breaths as I listened to the ringing. After the third ring, a voice came through instead of ringing. "Hello?"

"Hey Blaine, its Kurt, the guy from Dalton the other day."

"Oh yea, hey there Kurt. How are you?"

"I'm pretty good. I was wondering if we could talk sometime about some stuff."

"More questions about Dalton?"

Kurt paused. "More or less, sure."

"Alright. Do you want to meet at the coffee shop across from Dalton, say tomorrow at two?"

"Sure, that'd be fine."

"Great! See you then, Kurt."

"See you tomorrow." I pressed the 'end' button and set my phone back down. This all seemed so strange. I was nervous to see Blaine, yet excited also. And for what reason? It seemed like I had none, other than just to see him. I didn't really need to know much more about Dalton. But maybe I could get away from the topic of the school and we could talk about other things. Things that may keep me here longer than I have planned.

I looked over at my desk and the orange bottle of pills instantly caught my eye. The bottle was still full of white capsules, having not moved since I had placed them there the other day. It was a reminder of the pains and cruelty of the world around me. But now that I looked at it, my view changed. I saw a ray of light, a glimmer of hope that things could be better.

I got up and took the bottle in my hand. I opened one of the desk drawers and shoved it inside, burying it into the bottom of the drawer. I didn't need any negative reminders now. I knew I had two options. Either do it and get it over with, or give life another chance.

* * *

><p>I hurried out of my car and over to the sidewalk. I held my hands above my head as rain poured down from above. I ran down to the coffee shop at the end of the sidewalk on the corner. Across the street was Dalton Academy, looming over the neighborhood. I walked into the shop and shook my head slightly. Water droplets sploshed down onto the already wet floor. I looked around but didn't see Blaine. I sighed, and made my way up to the counter.<p>

"Hello, what can I get you?" the woman behind the counter asked.

"I'll have a grande nonfat mocha please," I responded.

After paying, I went to the side of the counter and grabbed my coffee as it was set down on the counter in front of me. I walked to a table by the window and took a seat in one of the chairs. Only thing to do now was wait.

I stared out the window as I sipped at my drink. It was such a gloomy day. The sky was dark and gray clouds hung all over, sending a bounty of rain downward. Very few people walked outside, and the few who did were smart enough to carry an umbrella or wear a raincoat.

I heard the door chime in the background, but continued to stare out the window. A brief moment later, I heard the chair across from me slide out and a person sitting down into the once empty spot. I turned and a smile emerged on my face as I saw Blaine. "Hey there," I said as he set down his coffee after taking a sip.

"Hey, hope you weren't waiting long."

I shook my head. "Nope, just enjoying the lovely weather outside."

He chuckled. "Yea, it's pretty great this time of year." We both laughed at the joke, considering the opposite was true for both statements. "So what questions do you have about Dalton?"

"Well, I was reading in one of the pamphlets that there was a zero tolerance bullying policy. I was wondering, does that actually work?"

"It does," he said, nodding to get his point across. "Everyone takes it seriously because the consequences are very strict for violating it. At Dalton, everyone is treated as an equal in terms of not being judged or not including due to a lot of things. I know first-hand the discrimination that public schools can put on people, and being gay, I was worried about going to Dalton at first, but they made me feel more welcomed in the first hour than I ever felt at my old school."

My heart skipped a beat. I only caught about half of what he said after he said he was gay. I wasn't even sure if I heard him right. "You're gay?" I asked, still in some disbelief.

He nodded. "Yep, but at Dalton it isn't an issue. I'm assuming that it's a problem at your school?"

I looked down at my cup as my hands tensed while holding it. He hadn't even asked me any questions to assume such things, but he was right on all accounts. I was gay, I was bullied, and I wanted to get out of school to escape the torment. I gave a small nod, unable to speak as the feeling of despair came over me.

I couldn't see Blaine's face, but I felt his hand as he placed it over mine. "Kurt," he said. He only said my name but I knew where he was leading. He wanted me to talk to him, to tell him what things were like, what things I was going through. He wanted to help me get through them, to feel better.

I sighed and looked up, looking a space between his head and the window. "I'm tormented every day, in every way. There's no end to it. I feel scared, and alone, and like I shouldn't even be here anymore."

"No, you're not alone, not anymore," he said, squeezing my hand. "Come to Dalton. I can help you out, show you around. You'll love it, and you won't have to feel like that anymore."

"My dad doesn't know anything. He doesn't know about my bullying, and he doesn't know that I visited Dalton. I don't know how to tell him all of this. I don't want him to worry about me."

"That's his job, Kurt. He is your dad, he is there for you and will want to help you. Dalton seems out of the question for a lot of people due to the prices, but there are ways around that if you go in and talk to administration. If you explain to him that you'll be safer and happier there, he can't stop you. He only wants what's best for you."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know how I could tell my dad all this. I didn't want him to worry, but it was more about me not wanting to hurt him in knowing that his son is that one who gets bullied at school.

"There are people out there who want to help Kurt, you just got to look around and find them. They're closer than they seem." He was hinting at something. I looked at him and saw the smile on his face. He was one of those people. He was here for me, he would help me. My dad would help me. The Glee kids would help me. I had all these people around me and I hadn't thought to look around and ask for help. Not until now.

I smiled back at Blaine, happy to have him in my life.

* * *

><p>I sighed as I stared at my bedroom door. I was standing in the middle of the room, about to go and tell my dad everything. I was going to confess everything to him and let him know what was going on. He needed to know. I needed him to know everything if I was going to get any help or support in getting into better places.<p>

I pulled my phone out of back pocket and flipped it open, scrolling through my texts to the one I had received from Blaine earlier. I was telling him about my worries of telling my dad everything. I recited his response in my head as I stared at the actual text.

_Do not worry. He is there to help you. Just have courage :) – Blaine_

_Courage. _That word rung in my mind. It was something I hadn't thought about much, but now it echoed throughout my head. It was always in me, I just needed to think about it and unlock it.

I put my phone away and walked to my door, opening it. I was about to walk out and upstairs to where my father was watching TV when I thought of something. I turned back into my room and walked over to my desk, pulling open one of the drawers. I dug around pulled up athe orange pill bottle, still full of the same white pills that I've had this whole time. Instead of feeling desperate and scared as I held it, I felt completely normal, like I had a grasp on my life again. I did something I hadn't thought I would ever do. I smiled at the bottle as I walked around my desk and threw it into the trash can.

It was out of my life, like all the other negative things soon would be. I walked out of my room and up the stairs. Over to my dad I went, where I would take my first step to regaining my life.

_Courage._


End file.
